Your Horrorscope
BROUGHT TO YOU BY PHOEBE
The planets have wobbled out on
alignement.
The sun is now shining through Uranus
Aries March 21 - April
19
Just when things are beginning to look
up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your
direction
Taurus April 20 - May
20
Your finances and your health are equally important.
Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to
both.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming
from an open window
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when
your appendix burst next
week
Leo July 23 - August 22
Work a little harder on
improving your low self-esteem,
you stupid
freak
Virgo August 23 - September
22
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
- except for
you
Libra September 23 - October
23
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,
but you know they're lying
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never
never never never leave my house
again
Sagittarius November 22 - December
21
You're almost
perfect! Just kidding. You are a boorish, fat, stupid, lazy, worthless moron.
That's all. You want advice? Tall building. Leap. There you go.
Capricorn December 22 - January
19
You're surrounded! Drop that fork and step away from the buffet,
fatty!
Aquarius January 20 - February
18
Just because
you think you are smarter than other people doesn't mean they can't dislike you
and talk behind your back. Your lucky number is one, the number of fingers
raised in your direction most often
Pisces February 19 - March
20
You will never find true happiness -
what you gonna do,
cry about it?
