Sumner Sharks - The Old Nag - Shark Rugby as seen by the devil

12-7-11 - I was told that I had to forfeit the Old Nag column this week because I was on a girls weekend! So of course I listened.........

Obviously I wasnt there this weekend but at least you have been consistent over the last few weeks! I missed Jizzs replacement............although Im thinking about getting a replacement at home too. I think of it like an upgrade on a cell phone. At the moment I have the brick Motorola........it can only do one thing. What I am aiming for is a new generation I phone that has all the features and applications and can do many things at one time!

So since I didnt see the game I thought I would talk about the thing nearest to my heart! SHOPPING and after a weekend in Wellington I have come to the conclusion that shopping is very similar to Rugby! Shopping is possibly even harder!

Where rugby lasts for eighty minutes shopping can last for up to eight hours if its a late night you obviously run into overtime.
Rugby has a ref shopping has a friend, a partner or children keeping your credit card under control! You can be red carded......when you have spent over your limit!
The opposition is every other woman in that mall.
You may think shopping is not a contact sport.........you couldnt possibly get bumps or bruises from a mall. This men is where you are wrong! Trolleys bumping into your bags loaded with clothes. Woman pushing and shoving past you to get to the sale rack. High heels grounded into your foot, wayward prams knocking into you.
Rugby is something men would prefer to do by themselves. Shopping is something women like to do alone. Shopping can be a team sport but at the end of the day some people are better at it than others.
And men just like you we would crawl over anyone who gets in our way to zap that visa one last time!

Next time you WAG heads off shopping just remember it is going to be as hard on her as any eighty minute game you have had on the field! So when she gets home run her a hot bath, get her a glass of wine, rub her feet and dont nag, complain or ask how much she has spent......

A woman's rule of thumb: if it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it x

5-7-11 What a lippy game that was on Saturday........and it wasnt just the WAGs or The Old Nag on the sideline.

The Shirley Wankers spent most of the game winding the Sharks up! But the Sharks bit back.......

Im guessing you boys are sick of the piss being ringed out of you at home and decided not to put up with it on the field.

It was a shame Biffa wasnt there to even up the abuse!

Most of the time was spent throwing punches rather than running for the goal posts.

A disgraced Jiz had to march to the end of the field being yellow carded after baiting a wanker!

Now these cards seem to work wonders and the boys always do what they have been told......

I have decided that I am going to get some of these cards made up at home.

In Rugby a Yellow card is a Sin Bin and a Red card means the player is sent off for the remainder of the game.

So these are how the cards are going to work at my house.

Yellow card You better do the dishes from the last few nights otherwise dinner is not going to get cooked for the remainder of the week.

Red card - Shit is going to go down if you dont haul your lazy arse off the couch and help out around the house.

Green card You are officially out........Out of my house......and watch me take more than half of everything.

I think I might be on to something........so if you ladies need some made up just let me know!

Wardy sounds like he deserved to be carded after the Shark party........all Im going to say vomiting and peeing.............. and not in the toilet!

Anyway the season is quickly drawing to a close but not without the Sumner Rugby Ball on August 13th. It would be great to see a strong Shark contingent. Tickets are limited so get you names and money ($120 per couple) to Jiz. Im looking forward the Dancing Dark Sharks again! Pre drinks at our house unless Aaron has been Green carded x

30-6-11 - I realised at the Shark party that I have acquired a new super power...............I can render Small Cock (The Dan) speechless!

What a fantastic weekend! A win for The Sharks, a Shark Party and you Sharks giving up the goss on each other! No condoms and no chocolate sauce left lying around the place.

As I write Jiz is giving the ins and outs of what I should be writing.

So here is the Old Nag according to Jiz.....................

Thanks to the Shark funds there was plenty of beer drunk and a good turn out of the girls.

The Crusaders had a good win and uh yeah yeah nah!

Then he proceeds with a list of things that I cant write!

Now because I do what I want Ill write what I want!

There are many different types of drunks!

The I know I sexy drunk

Drinking that liquid courage somehow makes everyone's fat rolls disappear, which increases their self-esteem 10-fold to delusional, and likely unrealistic, proportions. (Biffa)

The I think I can dance drunk

This kind of drunk will stop at NOTHING to show you the skills they were born with.
Also, it's probably not a good idea to dance when the whole room is spinning unless you're Jackie Chan or unless someone has a video camera or camera phone handy. (Jiz)

The I love everybody drunk

This drunk (Wardy) spends the night wrapping everyone in a loving embrace and telling everyone how much he loves them. Quite often the person they are currently loving is holding up their full body weight. Wardy was last seen stroking and smooching Liquorice Lionels face.

Actually there were a few romantic love everyone drunks!

Liquorice Lionel, Token and Kevy the silver fox showed their smooth moves on the dance floor! Lloydie spent the night propping up the bar.......was a shame he didnt come with a translator. I introduced myself to Muzza to get the truth about the BIG rumour. Biffa spent the last 4 hours of his night dancing and talking by himself (thats when you wish Dirty Dawg had taken the camera out of our shower and put it in the garage.) Moose was molestring small furry creatures and The Dan spent the evening cursing the ash cloud.

To be fair everyone was in fine, fabulous form. No drama, lots of Shark on Shark love and sore heads the next day!

I was left with a question though.

Are Sharks really just Gay Dolphins....................x

21-6-11
The last two weekends have seen the Sharks getting a hiding and Im not even talking about the ones you are getting at home!

Dominated by the wet dream team who wear white (WTF) maybe you would have chased them down harder if you thought they were virgins......actually while Im on the topic of running or the lack of it, Moose I have noticed you running style somewhat resembles a limp wristed gay fairy. And while speaking of gay The Dan said to Jiz while in the shower after the game. Is that new? Referring to the new tattoo on his arm. Obviously The Dan is very observant. He has had it since Wednesday and even I hadnt noticed it! Maybe he moisturized it after the game for him!

The love square had now turned into a love octagon with Liquorice Lionel having Sharks snuggling in to the back of him on the sidelines. That guy has a way with the men!

The Dan noted in his last talk, talk and talk some more rubbish that us women are not scared of you.......we are never scared of anything inferior to us. To be honest we see you men as more of a plaything that allows us hours of amusement and provides us with many funny stories to relay to other women about how special men are.

Shark party this weekend where you will be able to watch some real rugby being played!
A few rules......No vomiting in my sink (Biffa) No nakedness unless you resemble Richie McCaw on a good day (Dawg) No used condoms left in my bathroom or chocolate sauce smeared through my shower!

And ladies I know you have all been thinking this......fingers crossed the ash cloud doesnt stop us from our Hawaii/Las Vegas trip next year!

What's the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish x

8-6-11

I think the best thing about rugby and the social get togethers is that the WAGS get to have a gossip and a good laugh at the expense of their partner................... and trust me boys we have a bloody good laugh!

First topic of conversation was the love bite Lionel received the previous weekend at the clubrooms from Serious.................... supposedly it was very romantic with Serious leaning in towards Lionel, blowing gently in his ear and then going in for the kill! My question was how did Kevy feel about having another man involved in the love triangle? Does it now become a love square with four involved? Also Serious could give some of the boys some tips on romance as a nudge in the back doesnt really cut it.

The next conversation was about pre game rituals! Lets just say boys you are all very superstitious and get up to some freaky shit before you play. Its just a shame none of your pre game rituals actually include exercise.

Saturdays game was obviously a rough one as many boys were sporting black eyes and cuts. The highlight of my Sunday was listening to Nikki recall Adams trip to A&E. Poor Adam thought he had actually lost his eye and was torn between staying to look for it or going to hospital......turns out he didnt even need stitches! At the end of the day though Belfast received a hiding from the Sharks just like most of you boys get when you talk back to your wifes.

This coming game should be an interesting one! Will you make it through a game without anyone getting carded?

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them x

31-5-11

Even though there wasnt a game this weekend it did not pass without some drama!

Three sharks facing the judiciary............

So have these Sharks learnt to put up and shut up or continue yapping (like Jizz is in my ear at the moment!)

Likely you have all heard the term 'being in the dog box'.

Put simply it means you are in trouble with your better halves. Yet again!

And at the moment not only are you likely to get into the dog box at home but also on the field if some of your naughty behaviour continues.

So some advice to you males on how to get out of the dog box, or at least to reduce the level of trouble youre in.

Firstly, admit nothing.
Feign innocence. It works a treat. Make like you really didnt know what you were doing and put on a really confused expression. Sort of like the expression you have when you are asked to drive down to the supermarket to get some pads or tampons and its made abundantly clear that you must NOT get the wrong type. Of course if your smart when asked this small request, your mind will automatically register that its that time of month againand you dare not question the request for fear of seeing the demon return.

The same applies when youre dealing with the Ref. Summon this same look and keep your mouth shut!

Another good approach is looking into her eyes (if you can see them through the bloodshot rage) and giving your best hurt puppy look.
A dog box is for puppies. But women cant resist a cute puppy. So if you are skilled at this one, you will soften her considerably. When you see her faltering, get in quick with a hug and whisper you are sorry (even if you dont know what you did).
A good point to remember here is not to confuse a hug with an excuse to grope her bottom or anything else for that matter, as this tends to land you straight back in the dog box again.

With the Ref go with the hurt puppy look but maybe not the fondling......unless of course you in to that kind of thing!

Playing dumb can also work in your favour.

Honesty is probably not the best policy.
Why? You males are simple creatures and you tend to call a spade a spade, which most times gets you into more trouble. Its an endless cycle of in and almost out of the dog box.

The main thing is to learn by your mistakes.

And if you want to get out for longer than a day..............Expensive, sparkly diamonds will do the trick!

This may not have the same effect on the Ref but is guaranteed to keep your WAG quiet for a bit x

24-5-11