Welcome to SMALL TALK - and talk and talk and talk.

Still talking & has a beer ready for when he wakes up.

 

 

23-2-12 - The course of Justice

Welcome to Shark season 2012. or at least the 1st Small Talk of said season, namely because Dog hasn't posted my last one, nor my Shark
salute pictures with some rugby league "stars" whilst out drinking. But why be petty. Why f-ing not? And why a title? Well now that MOS is Club
Captain I had to slip in a reference to him, and we all know what word goes before ".... the course of justice". Think about it. The answer will be on next weeks Small Talk if you're struggling.

AND speaking of struggling, nice to see the new boy Luke, at Jizz's,

struggling to contain a large dose of small man disease. Kelpy wasn't there but he had an able replacement. Welcome to the team. If copious
amounts of liquor ain't your thing then you and the new age Baby will get on fine. At least you've paid your subs.

But what a party. Thanks to Jizz and Aimee for hosting and to Dog for organising it so that they would host. Grounds for shifting I reckon Jizz. Great food, endless supply of refreshments, a bouncy castle and a huge turnout. Primordial team members right through to our newest recruit (read above). And at least 10 people hassling Percy for being shopping while we were imbibing. But some quick observations before I pick on someone.

Token. "I've retired". Great 'do man, and there till the bitter end. There's years left in ya. And a few pies by the looks of it.

Div 3 Brad. And with a woman. That broke a misconception. Looks like you better play all year coz you drank enough so as to owe us.

Heath. Baby. Lionel. What is it with you props? We can't turn up to games this year with you looking in shape. Get back on the pizza and
beers.

Biff. Off home early. I think.

Scotty and Adam brought their respective young families. There will be at least 2 tired and angry men playing this year. I'm with ya fella's.

Kevy and Tristan. More forwards who need to fatten up for eff's sake.

Even Kane is half the man he used to be. If you lot aren't taking up space on the field it makes it easier for the opposition to make it to the full back, and we all know the result of that.

Boydy and White Wazza. Great to see you there. Definitely think we'll be taking it easy on you both when we meet up this year......

And last but not least, the highlight of the night was Jizz's Aimee not drinking at all. I know you're knocked up but how angry is you're Old Nag going to be? And cheers for kicking us out (I think), as it meant I got a free taxi home with Baby and his missus (which I found out from him on Monday), God it was great being in a state like that with a bunch of you lot. (Which means I put in a better effort than at Biffs on Super Bowl Monday).

Long Live the new Club Captain! Get us happy hours at the Club for Shark home games!! And strippers........

The Dan

2011-12-23 - The unposted Small Talk

And what a year. Plenty happened, with the exception of Moyno getting
some action as per. But where to begin? And I bet you're asking, "why
don't you finish?". I generally only hear that from women, and no
reference to talking....

Wins.
RWC 2011. and like Kune Kune sharing a bed with his bro it still brings
a lump to my throat. We won. Drinking time.
Crusaders. So much better to get a win away from home.... Enough said.
Canterbury winning the NPC. Again. 4th in a row. Like Donny leading the
Mardi Gras in his tutu on the Freddie Mercury float year after year. The
marriage was a front.
Sharks rugby. We won in 2004. 15 points to the kicker. Team game.
Kids. Who hasn't got one or got one on the way? Looks to me like the
Sharks have, or were, getting some action in the last couple of years.
And at home. Well done. Lucky for some. It'll dry up. Hopefully.
Beer. We played, we tried, and we drank. Called Classics for a reason.
Amen.
Kelpys 21st. who said "dirty old men?".

Losses.
We all know who we lost this year, and I know, and expect, that it still
hurts, but talking about it over a beer sure helps. And to still be
talking about it shows what the loss still means. RIP.
The Dream Team. Didn't beat us 4 times though did they????
Baby's hair. And still losing it.
Lionels weight. You'll be in the backs soon.
Interest in our wives and/or partners. Just kidding. Like a priest.

Cheers to the people behind the scenes who made it all happen, hope was
enough fun that you'll do it again next year. All the best to you all,
the title will be ours in 2012. What that title will be I don't know.

P.S. Token has to play next year or we're all stuffed. And pray for the
re-emergence of the Marine, just to keep Digger's liver alive at least.

Sons of the Devil! Drink your liquor!

No more quakes is all we ask.

The Dan


11-10-11 - TRIP

What a word. What a statement of intent. All the way to Sumner.....

15 years of blood, sweat and beers.

Watching the bellies get bigger and the hairlines thin.

Confirmed bachelors turn into family men Family men turned into 50% financially poorer, bitter people.

Then reborn with younger fluff by their side, not giving a damn about the lost resources.
Popular culture changing from grunge to rap. We've seen it all.
But one thing hasn't changed. What is that?

A Shark weekend of unquenchable thirst.

And hence Small Talk has returned on the eve of another trip.

A Shark Trip.

A little bit different but certainly the same. Beer. Talking
absolute bollocks. And rugby. 3 standards unchanged since Shark
inception last century.

In between times is Kelpys 21st. 21st's generally involve lots of beer
and lots of young girls. Sounds like our kind of party. Expect to hear
"who's the dirty old men?" call a few times. Wonderful.

And this time next week we'll either be cursing those inbreds from
across the ditch or celebrating our Canterbury Captain for leading the
AB's to the final. Either way we'll all be hopefully hungover and
dreading the thought of skulling whisky into the wee hours after the
final. With Slade supposedly injured I may have to be in Auckland for
the big match but will try not to answer Ted's call when he makes it.
Can't miss a Shark Trip just for a final, done that once before but
never again (now what did happen in that final??).

So all the best team, we've got the next 3 weekends sorted for boozing
and that is our reward for putting our trust in LIQUOR.

God I hope the All Blacks win.

The Dan

21-7-11 We played like kids and got fiddled

Going to make it short and sweet this week coz I'm on holiday and I'd
rather be drinking. Which, thanks to Digger, I'll be doing in Gore Bay
all week. Bring it on. No cell coverage, and no reminders that we blew
it against the old foe. Doesn't hurt as much as they still hurt after 2004. I hope.

 

But to the game. Played our second half first (read: didn't fire a shot)
and even heard the Old Nag begging, "Aaron, don't hit him!". Writes a
WEAKly column and then stops her man punching people. Oh Lord, where
will it end? If she stops you drinking mate best you go back and play
for West Melton. Kaneo pretty much played a lone hand, which is ironic
as anyone with a new born will understand the double meaning. Not saying
you're an onanist, but you get my drift.

Kelpy drops one over the line, but makes up for it 2nd half. What we
would give for those extra 5 points though...
Digger got rid of Hindsy early on, good job that. Pay back for last
round. Bet most of us didn't mind not getting a whack in the face at
each ruck.

Under the hookers feet. Cheers ref. Waits 75 minutes to pull someone up
for it and it goes against us. It's been one of those years, or decades.
But another week without yellow or red cards. Maybe Jizz should have hit
the guy, gives you a night away from the missus!

Seems like only one game to go before RWC build up starts in earnest.
Lets hope HSOB give us a towelling so we can have next Saturday off. But
to summarise, Canterbury beat Auckland and Australia got thumped, so
maybe the world ain't such a bad place. Enjoy your week at work and look
out for drunk Teachers with no kids to dominate, they're a weird bunch.

And when your missus gives you the hard word for giving her crabs, tell
her she should sort her sister out first.

The Dan

12-7-11 - Stealing defeat from the jaws of victory

Yet again we let ourselves down in the second half. But at least we gave
it a go and proved we're 60 minute men. Tell that to most birds and
you'll get action for sure. Unfortunately rugby is an 80 minute game and
we blew it. Much like Donny does. But there were some disturbing events
on Saturday, so here goes.

Jizz and his renewed love affair with the West Melton boys. But at least
no yellow cards this week. Well done to Tristan for that.
Sand. I've got more sand in my gear bag than in my wetsuit. What
percentage of it is Poo? Rubbed off on our performance....
Muzza calling Baby by his shortened name when offering him shampoo in
the shower. "Baby" is bad enough, but "Babe"? Some names should never be
shortened, and definitely not in the showers. Disturbing. Steroids affecting his judgement?

Intense and his ham string. The Shark curse strikes again. You either
get fat and slow or your hammy snaps. Hope it heals quick man, other
wise your old man's gonna get you on some of his pills to heal it.
No regrets on turning down that final penalty and going for the win. I
have no faith in our kicker either.

Consistency. We're finally getting consistent. We kick off, they pass it
left, and score. Happened 4 times in 10 minutes. Consistent. Drive a man
to drink. Especially when I use the turnstile defence approach. "Let him
through".

But on a positive note, we had our own little drinking area at the club
and the beer was cold. Old nag wasn't at the game so hopefully no column
this week, and all of New Zealands best sports teams lost on the
weekend, which we are one of going by those stats. Clutching at
straws....

Just saw an advert in the Press from a Swedish sheila looking to set up
a bird sanctuary. She's 22 and mint. I reckon the Sharks could lend her
a Cockatoo?

Bring on Tokens 40th!

The Dan

4-7-11 - Losing to a bunch of Wan&ers

Sunny day, early game, and no keg. Hence we struggled for numbers and
only got a team sorted by 12.56. Starting to hate these other teams who
have no respect for the turf by running around on it for 50 minutes
before the game has even started. No wonder there's mud patches. Jesus,
think about it! Better to play on it fresh than warm up on it. Will they
ever learn?

But to the game, and there was plenty to laugh about.

We lost, Crusaders won. Consistent. Make sure there's no Shark trip to
Brisbane this week though please.
Kicks don't win matches. But they do if they're kick offs...."Mine" is a
scary word during war time Lala, but not on a rugby paddock. No wonder
that little winger knocked you over in the second half. Just jokes man, you're no chicken
Baby. Thought that was a season ending injury there for a bit. You're
just a shadow of your former self, no change that, your old shadow was even fat.

Great work round the fringes all day long lads. Nice to see as per.
Would love to say the same for line-outs but so be it. Percy suggested
to me we should just go to short line-outs and take our chances. Can't
see Kelpy OR Digger winning any extra ball with that theory.....
Refs. We can never win. Like a pedestrian or a husband, even if you're
in the right you still get run down. Having a lippy captain doesn't
help.

Wingers. Put them in the clear how many times? Reward? 3 penalty goals.
Yellow cards. Tristan came back so the vibe was there, and Jizz stood up
to take the award. Feel a bit sorry for Jizz though, I reckon
Placemakers must have closed his account as Amy was saying he's been
struggling to get wood lately.

Word is we have an avid book reader in the team, namely "Rusty Bed
Springs" by I.P. Nightly. Heard he read a couple of chapters after Jizz's party.
And fullbacks. All the work gets done by everybody else to put them in

the clear and all they do is kick it. Even in the oppositions' 22. he
must have had a cloud hanging over him (namely that Chilean one. F-ing
JetStar). No, not still bitter.
Heard we've still got maybe 5 or 6 games to go. Not sure if that's good
or bad. Gotta get the Keiths at some stage don't we? Please Rugby Union?
We've even sent team members to your judiciary to plead for it (amongst
other things).

A shout out for Donny, word is you're away not only making someones day,
but also making their whole week! Generous.
Either way, this week is Club Day, and according to MOS 1pm at
McCormacks Bay for us. We need numbers, a win, and Po's keg I reckon.
Nice gesture that.

The Dan

30-6-11 KF's go down!

What a fantastic weekend's results. We win, no baby goats get hurt, the
Crusaders win, and we scoff a mountain of liquor at Jizz's. Nice indeed.
Must have been a great night as on talking to a few most remember only
small amounts of it. So cheers again Jizz and Aimee, great hosts. And the
3 ply toilet paper was a  real bonus.

But to the game. Yet gain we're at St Leonards at it's the old enemy.
Tough up front and especially tough into that sun first half. Percy was
on fire. Lots of turnover ball and a couple of brutal tackles. 80
minutes a week from now on I reckon, none of this 15 cigarettes in the
first half as a warm up. And he teaches the future...
Brad bought a 15 pack of beer just to get a run, as it should be. Cheap
at twice the price.
We reversed the trend, dominating scrums and not so in the lineouts,
normal transmission.

Pie man. Or savoury boy. He's lost some weight for sure, not big enough
to ruck anymore? Had the power to cause my voice to break. Off side
bugger.
Hindsy vs Digger. Classic. He win that one Digger?
Donnys best game of the year. Should be away every week. Mardi Gras any
good in Queenstown?
Fairy passed the ball lots on Saturday. Unbelievable. He should have
done it one more time before running into that prop near the end. The
shoulder all good?

Those chicken bites were world class Saturday night. Got a kg in the
freezer now. Must be getting old if I remember how good the food was at
the booze-up, or is that the lack of chicks causing that?

And lastly, don't rely on JetStar to take your family away for the
weekend. Best laid plans don't always work out. F%$king Chilean Volcano!


Bring on the W's. If you're going to injure anyone at least do it closer
to the sideline. And remember, only a couple of games to go so make the
most of it.

The Dan

23-6-11 - First loss at home 2011

Well it had to happen. Bloody Old Boys broke our unbeaten run at home
this season. So be it. No one will beat us at Shark Park though, mark my
words. As long as the liquifaction stays there....

But to the game itself.
Lots of people missing, Scotty, Mark, Kelpy, Digger, Intense, to name a
few. But there was a return of some familiar faces, Wazza, who played a
strong game, and Steveo and Clark. The latter two only there as Div 2
game was changed. Where's the keg? Maybe Clark had it, then dropped it?
Under no pressure in our 22! Sound familiar? Oh how leaving the Shark
environment weakens ones skills. And he didn't get a kick all game.

We led for 39.5 minutes of the first half. So really, if we splice
together the last 40.5 of the last game against this lot and the
aforementioned 39.5 we really won 22-15. Works for me. Nevertheless,
nothing wrong losing to a better team on the day.

Scrums and lineouts. Usually we're crap at lineouts and dominant in
scrums. Not so this week. Tight head after tight head. Don't tell Digger
though. He'll think he's the difference.

Macca getting his first try of the season. Took him long enough. Shit,
by this time last year he had about 10 on the board. Beer belly slowing
you down boy?
Baby finished the game with no black eyes. First for a while. Maybe we
need to play that other HSOB team to sort that out.

The KF's. Am actually glad to have the old foes back in our side of
things. They're always good for a beer after the game. Don't know what
to call Pie Man either. Meanwhile, I've heard they've had a lot of youth
on their side at times. And don't call Roydon "Junior" this week, he'll
be a target. Don't let them push your stool in at the bar. And don't
discuss old re-runs of "X-Files", or any type of 'files for that matter.

But most of all don't plan on losing as we've got a massive booze up at
Jizz's to look forward to on Saturday night! Bring it on! As long as the
women can handle their wine and not cause a scene, Good lord we're gonna
get hammered!!!

And that thought my friends, has got me through a week of bloody
earthquakes. Hope you're all well, and if your missus is a little scared
of visiting the "house of Jizz", maybe offer her just a box of it as a
teaser tonight.

The Dan

15-6-11 Stealing defeat from the jaws of victory

Seems kind of trivial summarising a rugby game the day after some heavy
quakes but the job is at hand and it must be done. So here goes.

10 - 9. 9 nil at half time. What a bunch of losers we are. The loss rips
at my heart like Clayton Weatherstone catching up with an old flame. At
least the showers worked and had hot water. But there were high lights.

Digger turned up, and we lost. Mind you, I see his name is being bandied
about by Stephen Fry to replace the original dogs name in "The
Dambusters". Touchy subject that. Wouldn't have got away with it
Saturday.

No yellow cards, no red cards, no citings. And none for us either.
A couple of us bumped into pie-man, or what's left of him. I bet
bakeries are really feeling the recession more than most. Won't be the
same taking the piss now.

Shark gear on Trade Me. Just wear it to work Boydy.

Scotty playing centre. The boy can play anywhere. Even Kane had a run
there for a bit. But he moved back in to the forwards as "you guys don't
get much ball out here". Yep, it's our fault....
The ref at half time told me and Token to "tell your tight head to stop
doing over the Marist loose head", when we replied that he was 56 he
said " Gee, I hope I look that good at 56". Man love. Gay. And Arnie is
now a threat to Kevy.

The Running Bull. Full of Sumner players. Cold ale. Now that's how
you're meant to spend time after a game of footy. Disturbingly Donny's
missus turned up despite him being away. How far we have fallen. Chicks
aren't scared of us. They feel safe around us. Or maybe Donny had sent
her down to try and get the keg Div 2 owe us for Steveo and Clark making
up their numbers???

Word is the Dream Team having been shaking all week once they heard they
were playing us at mighty Shark Park! Unbeaten there this year!
Oh, and lastly, anybody else get any points on Saturday?

Be safe, and lets have a beer at 4.15 Saturday regardless of the result

The Dan

 

6-6-11 - Shut your mouth and get results

Is it really worth saying anything else?

And being the loud mouth I am of course it is

29 nil over last seasons champions. Easy when your defending 2004 World
Champions. But here comes the observations

Baby had a case of the Donnys. Nothing was straight. 
Speaking of Donny, great centre pairing with Kylie. Much in common.
Waxed legs and an addiction to pumping weights. Over hearing their
conversation about hair gel in the first half was disturbing. And don't
change your name to 'weights' Baby.

Mr T. scary to see him needing treatment. That beer at half time must
have been strong! 
2 tries with 14 men. Percy, you're an asset to the team mate....
Tristan no yellow card. Won't read that many weeks in Small Talk.
Moose. Top game up front. No need to swell up with pride, jobs already
done.

Token. Cheers for the pass from 40m out. That 1st try broke their back I
reckon. Good luck on trying to retire my friend. You'll have 20 Sharks
at your place every weekend dragging you out of the house.
Saw Fairy passing the kicking tee. First pass this year 
Macca. Open line. 30 to go. And RUN DOWN BY AN OLD MAN. The Shark curse
works it wonders. Last year you would have got that easy. Beer is a
wonderful thing for ones skills and speed.
Steveo. Div 2. They lost. We won. Hookers never stay faithful. And
Digger, away when we have an amazing win. G bAY. G bAY. G bAY. G bAY. G
bAY. G AY.

Wardy the water boy. Seismic addition to the field bringing the water
on. Gutsy display. Well rounded individual. Don't take him fishing, coz
he doesn't like any type of scales. Only writing this coz he's drinking
all my beer at this very moment in my garage, on my leaner.

And lastly, player of the day, Scotty the copper. Even Mark would agree,
fantastic job at half back, and didn't have to lay down the law too often as Dog had done that pre game.

Awesome effort fella, a change from the yappy yappie. 

We won. They lost.

2-6-11 What a great week to not play footy.

 

So we didn't lose, and that was the rugby high-light of the weekend. But
as we all know the dramas happened in the middle of last week. Who was
to know that referees would upset us again later on. Fairy, Jizz and
Kelpy up at the judiciary. Dog, and Token along to
represent. What a list of names. Plus Ruler. Fairy stood like a man and
took his punishment without trying to pass it on. Sound familiar?

 

And to cut a long story longer, who even knew the other two were going
up? Kelpy was initially turned away as the junior session had already
finished, but his 2 weeks off means maybe Boydy will want to come back.
Jizz got let off, so unlike at home he talked back and didn't get in
trouble. Enjoy that sensation! Especially with the stork delivering next
door thus putting the pressure on your, um, jizz.

 

And the ultimate outcome is we're being watched by all the refs. So best
your full back learns to shut his mouth along with the rest of ya's.
Will hell freeze over?

 

And then to top it off we didn't lose, which always seems to coincide
with the Crusaders losing. Maybe that's the issue, we're losing sight of
the ultimate goal, just playing for the love of it, not stressing about
results, and getting hammered watching the Crusaders win. Simple
solution, party more, play well less, and have more fun. Simple.

But back to that Crusaders game. Half tanked, then Dickinson does his
thing with 80 up.

 

Now let's dissect his name. Dick. In. Son. There's
your answer right there. And what's an Australian doing controlling an
ozzie NZ encounter? The plot thickens! That foreboding feeling of this
happening in the World Cup gives me the sh%ts, as did the bourbons at
11pm Sunday night, so Doc better pray it doesn't happen October 23.
Crusaders will still win, I have faith. As we will, in some capacity.

 

And lastly, has Lala been delivering his chicken down south to his
homeland? Sounds like they're about to turn green down there. Gay.
Booked a jersey yet Donny?

 

Bring on the Munchers and the cold ale available in their clubrooms.
Let's make the most of it.

The Dan

 

25-5-11   Bring back the Biff!

38 - Nil one week with vocal abuse. 13 - 31 the next with silence from
the sidelines. I know which one I prefer. It is the only time I think it
is suitable for a ginger man to be hanging around a park where kids are.
So my player of the day award from Christchurch would have to be Biff.
He performed so well it prompted a very impressed lady to write in about
said performance and resulted in a night in the dog box. Success all
round. One hand on that Legend trophy already I reckon.

And to the weekends game. We dominated. Then we didn't. Then we lost.
Lucky to come second I reckon. And the penetrative mag fished from the
toilet made coming second quite difficult I must say. Some observations.

Have you noticed how many fat people eat, and work, at Subway? Is it
really that good for you?
Digger away. Our best chance to beat the Saints, as we've always done
well without the man. (Read 2004 especially). But the Sharks sometimes
seem to go soft when hookers leave, so there is a trade off.
Baby's shout. Used to be that when you made it to golden oldies age you
were an elder statesman, but not any more. Ironic that with all the kids
born this year the first shout is by a baby, not for one?
Tristan. 2 yellow cards already this season. For really mild offenses.
Just kill someone and make it worthwhile.
Sunday rugby. Crusaders at 6.10pm. A great excuse if you need one.
The Keith's fearing our backlash and dropping out of Section 1. Weak.
Clark didn't get a kick this week. Or miss one I suppose.
Fairy. Pay your subs or you'll miss the next game....
14 versus 15. Now I know how OT feel.
3 disallowed tries in the first half. Penalties for not putting the ball
in straight. 1 yellow and 1 red card. Talking back to the ref. But worst
of all we sucked in that second half. And that's all I want to say about
that.
When the Sharks lose, the Crusaders win. A fair trade in my world.

This week a bye. That was also the diary entry Donny's' wife Amy wrote
years ago in her diary after their first meeting. To many, an
opportunity to do stuff around the house, or catch up on other necessary
jobs. I say it is a chance to put some serious afternoon hours into
beer. The choice is yours, think wisely. And on that note, we need a
shin dig very soon to get the festive season up and rolling. Rugby
season isn't all about rugby.

Nice to see Dan Carter on the website.

16-5-11

 

Just a short one this week (that's what the chick said after meeting Kelpy on the weekend).

Well well well. 38 points. That deserves an A. so we really won A nil.
Which makes for a great weekend, especially if you've flown to Auckland
to 'not go' to the Katy Perry concert, just so you can stay in a hotel
room with your missus's mates boyfriend for the night, just to pick a
random example. And they were lucky to get zero. And as was said during
the game the only time they got over our try line was when they were
being sin binned. A Great performance.

And from a great performance how do you pick out great performances? You
don't. You pick out those who need picking on.

Clarke. He almost didn't have the perfect 1st half. Almost. Bastard.
Percy. How can a guy have 22 cigarettes during 80 minutes of rugby,
especially when he plays for 40 minutes? Donny was the only fag he
didn't have.
Digger. Injured immediately after kick off. And there was no keg on the
sideline. Only reason he stayed on.
Jizz. Draw and pass. It does work.
Biff. Quietest game this year. Not. Wonderful observations from the
sideline....double downs, double chins, all one and the same.
Roydon. Big intercept. Open line with 40 to go. Cigarettes caught you
before they did.
Big Muzza. Great to see you back. Out of shape as usual.
Christchurch. Warm ups, tackle pads, seriously whipped. Where do they go
from here? And their number 19 threatening to stab our guys. Different.

Cheers to Digger for the beers and the gear yesterday. Rugby gear I
mean. Don't remember much of the afternoon to be honest. But if you
weren't wasted the day was.

Bring on the Keiths!

Suburbs

What a difference a week makes. Stinking hot vs HSOB, then 7 days later
it's all but freezing. Drive a man to drink it would. And it did. Hope
the Kingfisher strong led you to the promised land. And cheers to Lala
for the post match chicken, good job. Well done on the double raffle
win, where do you put it all mate?

To the game. Suburbs pretty good up front and weak in the backs. And
they let me score a try. Terrible. 24 nil at half time should have been
50 by full time, but the cold got to us I reckon.

Does Fairy seek out the best tackler to run into every week?
Where was Donny. Turning down rugby to go the Katy Perry concert in
Auckland. Waitomo for sure.
The original Wazza played a blinder, good to have him back.
Clarke dropping the ball with an open line and a hat trick on offer.
He's a Shark.
Sideline conversions. Always seem to go over when we don't need them
to....
Steveo playing Div 2. Is that a keg?
Serious playing Div 3. After our game. At 58. Bring on the turbos.
Old Nag finally showing her wisdom after a long lay off. The smartest
thing to come out of a women's mouth was Einstein's c%^k, but keep
trying.

And lastly to Mothers Day. I hope everyone got Mothered. To be honest
there's now a lot of new mothers associated with the Sharks so I hope
they had a good day and layed off the whinging. Crusaders had a win
which started the day off well. And blind by 7pm sealed the deal.
Beautiful day. makes for tough Mondays but these things are sent to test
us, as Christchurch will this week. Let's smash them.

Anybody else scored a try this year?

The Dan

Post Dream Team ramble

 

What a weekend.

1st week of raffles and a pretty average turnout to be honest. Same old faces enjoying their beers and earning beer tokens for the Sharks. Get down there when you can, and make an effort, and that's all I'll say about that. Plus a drink on the rocks takes on a whole new meaning when you're at the Marine.

Heavy viewing the slip at the back let me tell ya. The beer's still cold though, which gets me every time.

 

To the game.

 

Down 19-0 at half time to a team most wouldn't have given
us a snow balls chance in hell of competing with. Here they were warming
up, doing drills etc and the ref is worried we haven't got enough
players. Div 6 vs Div 4 mentality. Well let me tell you, winning 14 -10
in the second half and the whole performance was outstanding, least of
all the try of our history from Intense. Youth, it's wasted on the
young. Heads high fella's, it was great to watch from way at the back.

Can't single out anybody as from where I stood everyone was into it.
Keep that up and we'll have to play all the good teams' next round.
Maybe we throw a game or two? But the real concern to me was no club
rooms at HSOB. Finish a game of hard footy in the hot sun, shower up,
and NO BEER! What the hey? Never again can we let that happen.

Having to drink water after a game? Kick them out of the grade, their facilities
aren't up to scratch, or at least release a statement when the draw
comes out stating "no clubrooms bring extra beers". Next time.

Still rather bitter about the whole thing. Where was Biff and his 2 crates this week? They would have gone down a treat. Best we warn the rest of the club about this.

 

A couple of observations.

 

They had plenty of guys fatter than us

Arnie got one of his legs rucked to bits. By one of his own forwards.
Classic.

Token running rings round their 1st five, who played over 7 years of
senior footy. On ya Token

Heath taking on a vastly more experienced prop and giving as good as
he's got time after time. Couldn't believe you were walking Sunday. That
all over swelling looked bad though.

Kaneo, sick, and with a bung knee. Get sick and have a bung knee more
often.

Intense and the Aryan Brotherhood look.

Don't mind losing when we play like that. Be tough to better that second
40 minutes.

Old Nag. What has happened? Started with a hiss and a roar and then
nothing. Kinda reminds me of a pair of footy boots. When you first get
them you can't wait to wear them, as many times as you can, even if you
lose a bit of skin every time coz they're just a bit tight but you can
tolerate that.

Then over time they're not quite so snug anymore, they
smell, and you're performance in them slips a bit.

Even some days you'll lend them to a mate coz you can't be bothered playing that day. And in the back of your mind you yearn for a new pair, even just to try out
once or twice. Even your team mates old pair look more inviting. What
the correlation to women this has I don't know but I digress.

 

And lastly Sundays fundraiser. 12 hardy souls arrive to empty a beer
chiller. At 10am on a Sunday morning. Had DIC written all over it.
Knocked the first half of the job out in an hour and it was time to
partake of a beer in the hot sun and talk crap. Credit to the carpet
layer who arrived late and meant we all went home without having to
finish the job. Like it!! More money in the beer account for the boys.

Scary to see Scotty wearing an extra 20kg to help with his training.
Would be nice to have an option on wearing an extra 20kg or not eh Dog?
Hopefully Moose sends out the photo to show how much stock we shifted.
Even Digger broke sweat. I believe most went home and enjoyed a couple
of coldies after leaving. I know I did. Cold beer could be addictive I
reckon, will have to do more research.

Thanks Dan

 

27-4-11 Unbeaten season continues.....

First off, congrats to Dog and Nicolette on the birth of Isabelle.

Top work. At least we've got a team song now, written by Motley Crue, called
"Girls, Girls, Girls". When will it end? Not with Moosh...

But back to footy. A weird draw with the Shirley W's. Poor fella, out on
day release from Home D, and a dislocated knee. Teach him for breaking
that first tackle wont it. Ironic that he was a dark fella and
dislocations make the KNEE GROW. Must say the highlight of the whole
thing was how happy Percy was that the game got cancelled. Priceless.

Nevertheless observations from the game must be made.
Bet Biff thought he would have got more of a share of the grog he bought
along. He certainly didn't want to go without it too long, as every
stoppage in play brought the "has it been 10 minutes yet ref?"

Only one back reserve. Maybe we need to say there's a shout every week
to get some numbers along. C'mon dudes, its footy season and it'll be
over before you know it. Especially at 15 minutes only some weeks.
Ambulances. You know where we are in the pecking order when the one
across the road at the Senior game wont come and help an injured guy in
our grade, even if he's in obvious pain. From now on Kevy and Lionel, if
you're gonna injure a guy do it closer to the sideline.

Our kicker was 100% at the end of the game. And scored all the points.
And was unbeaten captain. 2004 anyone?
Token has the day off, and the game gets cancelled early. Jammy bugger.
Best you were drinking early to make the most of it.

Got a new nickname for Donny. A little town up north called "Waitomo".
Makes sense if you say it slowly to him. Gay.
Now to the game at hand, versus the dream team. What a w#$k name. Let's
belt them. At least Percy will be happy as the game is closer to the
hospital....
Marine back open, lets do some raffles. And drink some BEER!
The Dan

14-4-11 - Unbeaten season 2011

What a great day of footy! Sunshine, grog, and a great win. And Heath
man of the match just to take the icing off the cake (ironic having
Heath and cake in the same sentence). Belfast played in a good spirit
and the ref knew what he was doing. All seems a bit much for us lot I
reckon. Was also the first game of the year without Jizz and we had a
win, coincidence? And Dog making his first after match speech, less said
about that the better and Especially Moose showing his guts before
drowning his 3 pies at lunch with 2 handle skulls. Where does he put it
all....?

Nevertheless here are things to consider.
Why is it that every tab at the clubrooms coincides with 35+ players
turning up?
Does Lionel need to borrow some boots? C'mon big fella
Is MOS really getting thinner (no).
Do we need a 5XL for Jim the Builder? And if we do let's get him one as
he played mighty fine up front
Youth and pace in the backline. In the Sharks?
Real shame to see the slums moving to Sumner/Redcliffs. Do they really
need to live in all those high rise container apartments out there?
Prime spot though.
What do we call Shag Rock now? Shaved mound? Foreplay Rock?
Will the Marine open soon? How do we sell raffles and get the pokie
money? Shame Hugh McGahan or Brent Todd aren't involved
Quite a few chicks at the game. They must really be lacking something
better to watch

And lastly, the Sharks were the only senior team in the club to register
a win on the weekend.

Legends.

7-4-11 Pre-game build up. Short and sweet. 

So here it is at last, Rugby season 2011.

After the shakes etc and pre-season drinking we get to feel sore again on a Sunday and be thankful that the bar is open at the clubrooms, as most pubs have fallen down. What scares me about this season is the amount of teams in this united Classics/Div 4 grade. More games mean more refs and more excuses needed for why we lost. how many more people are gonna think our fullback is just a loud-mouth? And do we have to play against young dudes? Who knows what age group will make up the W's this year? Will Token play?  What water will be in the water bottles?
Will the after match shower be the first one in a while for some? Can we bypass kicking t's and use the abundant sand? How long into the season will it be before Dogs missus finally has a wine at a game? Will Serious regale us with stories of how the Quake in Napier in the 30's seemed "much scarier" Will Donny put the ball down? Will Baby get fat again?
Will we win a game? Worrying times......But most worrying of all is WILL WE GET TO PLAY BOYDY OR THE KF"S? They're the games that have kept me in shape all summer (shape being relative to a sack of spuds).

Which gets me to my point, with all these new teams etc we need to show community spirit and 15 years team experience by drinking more than the others. No peer pressure, no macho sh$t, just a concerted effort to look like we are the team to be in, regardless of results. Should be easy, we've been doing that for the last 14 years. OOHH YEAH.

Just remember, if you weren't wasted, the night was.

 

Diamond Harbour etc etc

What a fantastic game of footy. Extreme skills, big hits, team work and
a never die attitude, and a fitting result.

But enough about the Crusaders. Diamond Harbour, we came, we saw, we
left to drink elsewhere. Hardest cricket pitch in the world. Long grass
all over the place, and Dog scything through a gap to be disallowed what
would have been the winning try (albeit with 45 minutes to go), a
strange day indeed. Here are the high-lights.

Jizz. 100% record as captain. Consistent.
Steve D and new boy Clark (Dan), played rugby together since they were
8, and both lost a front tooth playing cricket. Probably share needles
too.
Dawson getting in a bit of a stoush and not killing anyone, or even
eating them. And Lala also being in said stoush and it wasn't his missus
beating him up (we all saw it at Kirwee)
Kane unselfishly going on his own near the try line and scoring. He is
always unselfish, all round the paddock. Pass the bugger! Then again,
after Kirwee, don't.
A drop goal went over
Token not being needed....
4 Dan's in the back-line, and none of them answer to it on the field.
Boydy didn't get penalised for hitting anyone
A ginger player caused fights and retaliation etc all game and it wasn't
Biff.
Baby backing up for hit up after hit up. Shouldn't have got fat in the
first place.
The chicks were drinking wine and plotting to get on OUR website, and
someone let them. So they get legs waxed, eyebrows plucked, boxes
brazilianed, and spend precious time writing articles. Where's the time
for anal?
The only thing Donny fluffed this week was the teddy bears on his
wedding bed.
And still we lost.

So heads up, we lost the trophy, but by most reports we all drowned our
sorrows for the rest of the weekend and felt damn sore for it. Great
stuff. Bring on April 9, which is Dawg and Nic's due date. All going well
HE'LL BE SHOUTING!!!! When it comes to shouts, BIG IS GOOD.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Post Kirwee Small Talk

Isn't it great to see the footy season is back up and running! People
drunk abusing refs (Biff), people drunk abusing the opposition (Biff),
and people drunk abusing team mated (Biff). Hats off to Biff I say. Or
maybe hats on, to cover up the ginger.

But back to the football, having turned up late I missed the 1st
on-field Shark victory of 2011. Obviously no connection there right?
Which meant we had to play an extra game. Why win? The bonus for winning
was more running and less drinking? Are you lot losing sight for why we
do this? But we do want to win this week at D Harbour, that's for sure.
(Or fore shore, and sea bed, if that's we're you've lived since 1840 and
deserve rights to it, according to one politician). Heavy stuff.

There was a whole bunch of new, young faces at Kirwee Sunday.
Interesting. Either we have priestly connections or Dog bought his harem
along. His 'Big Is Good" catch-cry must have worked. Scary. Even Digger
had it on his back......

But in reality this whole piece about the Kirwee 10's comes down to one
unforgettable moment. Hard work was done up front, quality ball
despatched to Token, who with years of experience drew in the defence
and sent his outsides away. A scissors move and suddenly A SHARK IS IN
THE CLEAR!! The defence has conceded, the ref is about to blow his
whistle to anoint the try, and Donny, who from reliable sources, was
trying to work out which Village People song to sing in celebration,
DROPS THE BALL AS HE"S PUTTING IT DOWN OVER THE LINE! FOR F%$Ks Sake!
And "POOF", there was our chances of victory. The good thing is there
are no loud mouths in the team who are going to drone on and on about it
all year....

No drop kicks this week I assure you.

Diamond Harbour. We must win.

The Dan

Edition 4.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll.

"Move to the beach", the Real Estate Agent said, "and love the feeling
of sand between your toes". There is certainly plenty of sand....and not
just at the beach. And not just sand, great to imagine what we're
inhaling in this wind. No wonder I have been talking so much sh*t.

What a week. 6.3's, 5.7's, lots of 4's. No, they're not my kicking
percentages with the Sharks but bloody quakes. And as I write this
another one rolls through. Can't even blame them on Lionel falling out
of bed anymore. Or Donny's make up kit falling off the vanity. Sick of
having to fight the next door neighbours' cat for a space in the garden
to do my thing. Must be easy for all the single guys to check out a
chicks crack once he gets home to her place. But seriously I hope all
the families, friends, relatives, co-workers etc that are somehow
connected to the Sharks are all safe and well.

Shirley Boys High looks like it might close for the entire year. The
Shirley W's may have to go to school in another area. Maybe they'll move
to Sumner, house prices should be cheap...

Who has drunk the most grog since the big shake? By the sounds of things
my stores are fair motoring through the sales. Maybe the whole city is
in pre-season training for the Sharks? We could see an outbreak of the
BOURBONIC Plague if it keeps going the way it is. The way I see it, have
a shot of whiskey every morning, certainly stops my shakes.

Well done to Roydon on the birth of his daughter. Fantastic work.

Take care, and until next time, drink lots of liquor.

The Dan

 

Week 3 18-2-11

 

Here we ago again.
> 
> Best to start with a Q and A
> 
> What do you call a baby goat, wearing a green and white rugby jersey,
> playing a violin?
> 
> A kid fiddler
> 
> Now onto the serious stuff.
> 
> Drinking. Now I don't condone it or think it makes you a man or any of
> that stuff, but I sure do like doing it. Especially when you deserve it.
> 3 examples being,1.) coz you've woken up, 2.)breathed solidly for the
> whole day or 3.) played football. Which, in the case of the latter,
> isn't so far way. Which brings me to my point, we're only weeks away
> from drinking after footy. Yippee. But first and foremost we have to be
> ready. Sunday drinking must be a staple in your build up. Giving your
> best hours to your job means your priorities are wrong. By the time
> you've sobered up it's 3pm Monday and the day is almost done. Almost
> time for a beer. As for the exercise it is up to each and every person
> to try and coax a youngster to come and play for the Sharks, and that's
> our fitness taken care of. Pretty soon Serious's grandchildren will be
> playing and that will be sorted.
> 
> Man, I could talk about drinking till the cows come home, but they
> eventually do and ask you 'why haven't you changed the kids ', or
> 'should you really be drunk this early' etc and ruin it. C'est la vie.
> 
> Now we saw an interesting thing at the charity boxing on Saturday night
> (no it wasn't a copper hitting someone when they were ready for it), but
> a 31 year old doing the 'claim' as he was beating on a 44 year old. The
> crowd didn't like it and neither did I. it reminded me of us vs the W's.
> and then I remembered that unlike that fight the young ones don't always
> win. Let's be humble in victory, and drunker in defeat. 
> 
> Last but hopefully least, keep an eye out for the billboard on Moorhouse
> Ave with "Puppy Proof Carpet" on it. I reckon that carpet must be in
> most bars now, now that he's married. Canterbury to beat the Blues is my
> pick, and Raggs and Baby to continue their love affair online.
> 
> The Dan

 

Week 2

Fight week (which, for you guys with wives, girlfriends, children,
children in the basement etc, is every week) it's Scotty the Cop versus
the mighty Fire Brigade. Ironically years ago a copper tied himself up,
set the house on fire and then broke his way out as the fire brigade
tried to save his house. Eventually revealed as an insurance scam that
didn't quite work. Princess copped a heap about it at the time but he
was in training as a Jenny Craig 'before' photo and never seemed to
mind. But it seems there has always been issues amongst the forces,
generally 'who can get away with the most illegal stuff' blaming it on
the 'pressure of the job", bypassing the fact that they work in a
genuine 'equal opportunity environment', laymans terms for 'any social
psychopath with a need for control but never seems to fit in at normal
companies please apply' job description , which ultimately guarantees
some ding-dong battles Saturday night.

But I digress. For Scott there is a real bonus of sacrificing himself.
He gets to meet a bonafide Blues guitar legend. Because for me, to get
smacked about for charity would send me to the toilet, as I bet it does
Mr Allison. And there, I believe, Scotty will encounter Muddy Waters.
Sometimes a streaky version, but undoubtedly regularly banging at the
bomb bay doors. And for that we should all Shark salute him, for it is a
selfless act to fight for charity while a sold out crowd (and a bunch of
Sharks) soak up the atmosphere and a MOUNTAIN OF GROG. So go Scott, and
while you and your comrades are doing your thing, no one will be
protecting the Donkey.

I hope you are all well, and mind this. The Bible starts (Irishly I must
say, for the first 3 words are "In the beginning"), but to cut a long
story short, God created man (Adam), and he sat in a garden (apples etc
which to me mean fermentation (booze. Grog, piss, elixir of life etc))
and God saw that Adam was happy. So in Adams' sleep God stole a rib and
made women! F%$K!! we were happy before they came along!!

And that's why we will smash Marist AGAIN this year. Coz their God
introduced the problem.

The Dan

 

Edition 1 - 3-2-2011

 

First edition of SMALL TALK.  Gonna be hotter than a Fijians wife.

January 2011. What a way to start the year. The Sharks have lost an
original, and what a stalwart Sandra was. Only person I have seen able
to quiten down 10 very drunk Sharks. Superb. Great turnout at her
funeral and reinforces why we do what we do. May she rest in peace.

Kane has had a junior. Will be interesting to see Harpers development as
I cannot remember Kane ever passing, let alone passing things on to his
boy. Word is Kaneos knees are stuffed, but that 'fro is taking on a life
of its own. Can't wait to wet the babys head (hint hint).

Donny married. Yes, correct. No, not Civil Union. Married. The hair was
perfect, eyebrows plucked, legs waxed, skin moisturised and hands
manicured. Should have seen the chicks, they looked sharp also. BEWARE!!
Donnys brother is more self centred, egotistical and louder than your
kicker. Unbelievable.

Boydy Boydy Boydy. 80 minutes a week. For the Keiths??? Don't share our
game plan please (ie. Turn up hungover, take the piss out of each other,
don't rely on the kicker, and try and stay at the clubrooms as long as
possible before divorce is threatened), as it has worked for 15 years.
Word is they train. A step backwards....

As an aside, anyone else see the punch up at QE2 last weekend during the
Paralympics? Tough to decide who deserved that handicap parking space,
not worth fighting over though I reckon. Saw a nice left hook.....

White Wazza (now gay Wazza as he's gone back to West Melton). Sounds
like an interesting stag do. Jizz will fill you in on that one.

UPCOMING EVENTS
Scotty the Cop fights a man who holds a hose for a living. In the ring.
Too easy to make a joke out of that.

Treasure Hunt. Can anyone find Baby's backbone? Last time I looked he
was definitely malnourished, and didn't have a bottle....... I wont say
whipped, but then again I might. Whipped. Raggs won the battle I reckon.

Percy goes back to school. Thank the Lord.. Secondary school teachers
get to look at teenage girls all day, work small hours, and get 8 weeks
off over Xmas. Where do I sign up? How many ciggies do you reckon he
smoked over that time?

Kirwee 10's. On a Sunday. Crook and sore on a Monday. Welcome to
paradise. Sounds like worst two teams will only play 3 games that day.
Plan for 3 games then...

Diamond Harbour. Experience vs Youth. No drop goals etc. yeah yeah
yeah....

Dog and Nic having a kid. Bound to be a quiet wee girl. And hate a
drink.

Unbeaten season so far, long may it continue.

The Dan

--